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Viewing 1 - 15 of 15 items
  • you are the trigger in my life everything starts because of you you’ve got a way of making things happen…

    • Oh, this is a sad one. Yeah, I agree, life would be a lonely road when it’s all about someone else and your forget yourself.

  • we could wait forever for bad to become good we could wait forever to be heard, listened to, understood. society…

    • I love, love, love the first lines of this poem. It resonated with me a lot! I actually really like the rhyming in it too. The last four lines lost me a bit. They somehow didn’t feel like they fit with the beginning part. I think it’s because it’s a bit jarring that all of a sudden the narrator is leaving but that’s not part of the first part at all. Does that make sense?

  • I’ve ever been to a funeral before, but this doesn’t seem much like a funeral. It seems like everyone here…

    • This was pretty long, and pretty well-written! I still remember the last funeral I went to, many years ago for a relative. Like a long ceremony just to remind you of what you lost.

    • This is a long piece but I love the voice in it. You also do a really good job of creating her relationship with her family. One of my favorite sections is at the beginning when she’s with her mom – her voice really shines in that part.

      You’ve also dropped some great hooky pieces with him not really being dead, the dream sequence, and why she loves him so much when they’ve never even spoken which is great, especially if you’re planning on continuing this piece.
      Nice work

  • We have the right to a personal opinion But not who should live or die That decision is not ours…

    • I like this piece but it feels a little confusing. In the first part, you’re talking about leaving everything to God because he knows best and can make more of a difference. But then in the second part, it’s all about trying and stepping outside our comfort zone which feels a little contradictory. Which is it? Leave it to God or keep trying? I’m not sure if my question makes or if that’s what then ending is, that it’s too confusing to try to figure out?
      My favorite lines are the last three – they work really well.

  • We have the right to a personal opinion But not who should live or die That decision is not ours…

  • Ok so I cleaned it up and changed it a lot because I decided I liked it. Also kinda sorta…

    • Ohh, villain protagonist… kinda. Seems intersting that there are a bunch of humans who know about these angels already.

    • I like it! I was thinking he was death about halfway through. Have you read “The Book Thief”? Death narrates it similar to this – great story.
      Anyway, I didn’t read your first version, but I like this one. I think you do a great job with the suspense. I love the idea that his wife lived without a soul. I got the sense that she didn’t die but that she continued on. Super interesting and fresh idea. My biggest confusion was with the coffee and the waitress. Did she die? Was the coffee she was pouring so hot it sizzled on her skin? I had a hard time picturing that section and knowing what happened there but I think it’s a key piece to show his power. That was where I realized he was Death, so I think it’s good to keep but maybe clarify the action so it’s easier to imagine. Does that make sense?
      You write well! Keep going!!

  • Jasmine posted an update 3 weeks, 1 day ago

    If you guys out there would please comment on my recent stories “Robots unite” “jelsa chapter 1-3” I would really…

  • (sorry it was kind of short) In the morning Elsa woke up to light seeping in from the curtains and…

  • (sorry it was kind of short) In the morning Elsa woke up to light seeping in from the curtains and…

  • Elsa woke up to 5 people hovering over her one of which she recognized but they don’t notice she is…

  • Before or after reading this I recommend watching “Rise of the Guardians” to better understand the story (sorry it is…

    • Hi – I’m guessing after reading your intro that this is fan fiction? 🙂 I’m not familiar with it. I love the characters here and the voice. But again, it’s kind of hard to read because of the lack of punctuation and paragraphing. If you need help with that, let me know in a response to this comment, and I’d be happy to help. I think you’ve got great story skills though (and honestly that’s harder than the punctuation stuff) so keep going!

  • The year is 2352 and a boy and a girl are in a mansion that the boy inherited from his…

  • The year is 2352 and a boy and a girl are in a mansion that the boy inherited from his…

    • Hi – great voice and you do a good job with the dialogue!
      But, I gotta say this is really hard to read. Any chance you could go back and add a new paragraph everytime the speaker changes? You write a lot of dialogue (which is awesome because you’re relying on the characters to tell your story), but its all sort of smushed together so it’s hard to follow.

  • You’re insecure Don’t know what for, As you stare in the mirror A look of fear Of what others may…

    • SO good! I can resonate with this piece a lot because it’s sadly true, and people often tear you down so they can hide their own fears.

    • I agree with Clare but I think the line “Don’t believe the lies, they are just words” is SO hard to buy into, especially for teens, but you make that clear in the first part. We all like to think that what others think won’t hurt us or that it doesn’t matter, but I think the reality is that it does hurt. Even if we don’t like the mean people who are saying mean things, and we tell ourselves ALL DAY that what others think doesn’t matter, it still hurts. That whole idea gives this poem a sense of desperation that I think works well. Nice job!

  • zosprite and Profile picture of judyjudy are now friends 3 weeks, 4 days ago

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